never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
