Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
