is your mom at the bar?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
