you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
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Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
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JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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