Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
