I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
