Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
