If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
