I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
