She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
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I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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