Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
