I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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