Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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