That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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