Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i came on her dog
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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