and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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