My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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