i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
