He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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