I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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