Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
