I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You made out with two different species that night
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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