Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
