i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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