Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
