Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
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It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
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and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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