So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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