____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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