There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
