Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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