She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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