my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
