I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We had sex on a dog bed..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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