You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
