I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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