hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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