ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
