She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
