just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
