Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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