Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
