I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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