So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
