This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
