If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
