Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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