I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
