Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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