Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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