i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
