remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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