so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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