her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
