billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
