today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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