I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
