life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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