wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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