The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
